I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
