I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
