i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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