We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He passed out mid-signature
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
