my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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