ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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