Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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