When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
