I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
