this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
