Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
