And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
