I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
