I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
