You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
