dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
