i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
