god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
