I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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