I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
