so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
