I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
