I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
