I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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