Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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