it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
