Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
