You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
