Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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