I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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