Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
