The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
