honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
