i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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