OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
