It's like God shit irony all over that family
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
