dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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