I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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