You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
