I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
