A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
