Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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