Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
