Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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