I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
