The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
