I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
