First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
