So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
