I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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