Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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